But the wifey and kids are out of the house, and I’m feeling pretty good.

And guess what? I’ve been working on it! Adding, rearranging, typing! It feels good to move this forward.

The moment I want to surf online or do laundry or work on a GTD system, I just keep typing. Ok, I make sure my little timer app is on, and when I feel that little urge to do something else, I just look to the timer, see it ticking down, and keep going.

I’m using this little Alarm Clock 2 app for my Powerbook. I’ll do 15 minutes on and (usually, though I’m not perfect) 4-5 minutes of chill.

The family will be home from a library excursion soon. And I can’t wait to see them, help with lunch, and put them down for naps. For this moment, I did want I needed to do.

And the email comes.

Another intake.

Numerically it’s impossible to schedule even what’s already on my plate, especially considering I have a neuropsych testing case needing to be scheduled.

I’ve gotten immediately angry, annoyed, blown away that administration would even think about doing it, let alone assign another case without asking me where I’m at, without using the recent update that I’m 120% full, and on a Thursday night?

Unprofessional, and now I realize this training year is loosing it’s “training” and becoming just a production line.

Very disappointing.

But when the email came, I was calm. I didn’t lash out. I didn’t immediately go gripe to colleagues. I was calm. That’s really not easy for me to do, ESPECIALLY after making assertive and clear attempts to let people know I can’t take anymore cases at this time.

So I survived this moment. Not sure what I’m going to do yet, but I’m feeling like it’ll be fine. If this family has to wait because that’s all I can do, then they have to wait. Do the intake, and let the larger systemic forces accept some of the responsibility.

But at that moment, I was calm. I’m proud (and a bit surprised) of myself.

Stress.

Feel like popping.

But I just couldn’t let him cry it out. I stayed too near the door or in his room or, when he’s really wailing, ANYWHERE in the house (how does the older one sleep through it??)…

And now I’m frustrated and took 2 Tylenol PM to pass out within the next 45 minutes because this night for doing work is a wash.

I should have just left for the coffee house like I said I was going to. But I didn’t want my wife to deal with The Screetcher all alone, even though she likely would have been fine. And I ended up being short with her anyway…

Not the best collection of Moments tonight.

The three of us are hanging out in the guest room/office. PJ morning, and so far, things have been going pretty well. I don’t get a ton of down time to just PLAY, so the last thing I want to do it be impatient with them when we are hanging out.

The 2 year old is way beyond his years, and it’s occasionally hard not to think of him and treat him like he’s older. The younger one, especially when sick, lets out this whine/cry that is like a tortured feline. Right to the head.

So, the oldest keeps inching closer and closer to the younger one, actually trying to be nice, but the younger one doesn’t quite want his space invaded. This, of course, is perceived as a challenge by the oldest, who’s going to have his younger brother receive his hug!

After numerous soft reminders to “be gentle” and “let him have his space,” I’m feeling like someone’s being a punk. He barely knocks the younger one over who starts the waaaaiiiiling. I’m about to get really firm.

A deep breath. The thought that this is almost-a-3-year-old wanting to connect with his brother. Bigger battles to fight (likely in the next 30 minutes!).

“Please, next time, when your brother wants some space, let’s give it to him.”

A small moment to be aggressive, to impinge on the play. Avoided. It’s hard. There’s the desire to protect, yet also to teach, let them figure it out themselves, and so on.

But I’m glad I was able to shift. It’s hard, but it can be done.

It’s time to write. I have a dissertation proposal to be working on. It’s a big deal with an intense timeline. I have a psychological report I need to be finishing up (first draft). These are important things.

Yet, I just can’t shift and write at this moment.

If it doesn’t feel different, you’re not changing it. That’s my saying. Mantra. It helps.

But right now, well, at all these moments of change, it’s just really hard. Where do I start? Can I type sentences, making paragraphs, and be ok if they’re not perfect right now? Not having them written down is taking up enormous amounts of energy away from me every day this is still on my plate.

I’m catching up in lots of other areas of life, so it seems I have this urge to always have something keeping me anchored in a restrictive way.

So, I will not turn off the music. I will go downstairs and see what my wife is up to. I will look at my beautiful boys sleeping in their rooms.

It looks like this moment was too hard to change.